Lines and Colours

SailorIn my mind, I am normal. This is because I live with me twenty-four seven (OK, not always twenty-four seven because some of those hours I am asleep).

I have BPD. In the past, I never realised that I feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do. I thought the intensity of my emotions was normal. Turns out, it’s not. I read somewhere that in non-BPD people an emotion typically fires for 12 seconds. In BPD’ers it can last up to 20 percent longer. BPD’ers emotions also repeatedly re-fire, or re-live, or recur, however you want to say it, so emotional reactions occur for even longer. I do. I go over and over and over the emotions, pinging from one to another like a steel ball in a pinball machine. Continue reading

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Helping to Break Stigma

SailorWhen I received the job offer a few weeks ago I thought it over for a few days before excitedly accepting. My new manager arranged that she would send me some paperwork to fill out, and the next week we would meet so I could have a look around one of the branch practices I would be working in.

When I’d quit my previous job a few weeks ago I never expected to land on my feet. My parents were terrified that I had no long term prospects and I was just going to be a temp nurse. Continue reading

When I Realised What I Do is Good

SailorThere are some things you may already vaguely know about me.  My real name is Carrie and I have an alternate personality whom I call Charlotte (not to mention the poor guy, Jack, in the back ground who hardly gets a say in anything).  I live in the UK near London, by the sea.  I am almost 30 years old.  I suffer from depression, I have recently been diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation Disorder (the new name for BPD) and have lived with a host of psychiatric conditions since I was a child. 

I am also a Veterinary Nurse. Continue reading

Behind The Curtain

RubyI really debated about this post for a while.  Not the writing of it, I have come to a place in my life where that was just a given.  But I wasn’t sure if I should post it here or to my personal blog, because, while I do post pieces of myself on here, I try very much to keep things aimed more at an audience, and write pieces that many people can relate to.

Two things tipped the balance in favor of Canvas.  One, my blog is not strictly a mental health blog, and this is really more a mental health issue. Continue reading

Onwards & Upwards

SailorAs a person with more than her fair share of mental health problems, I find it really difficult to maintain relationships, mainly friendships (I don’t trust people enough for any other kind!).

I always put this down to perhaps I’m a horrible person. I seem to go through friends like nobodies business and always blame myself when the friendship falls apart.

Since my diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, whatever you want to call it), researching the illness and the way other sufferers perceive the world has helped me realise that I’m not entirely to blame and it is my point of view of things that is askew. Continue reading

Interactions with Mental Health Professionals

AngelThis topic stems from an idea that I had in relation to the post Be Your Own Advocate.

It’s something I occasionally allude to on my personal blog and in my comments on others’ blogs. Over the last two and a half years (has it really only been that long?), I’ve learned a lot about how to compose myself when discussing matters with other mental health professionals.

First, let’s go over my successive period of interactions with mental health professionals. Continue reading

I Am Disabled

RubyThis post is a skosh more personal than what I usually write on Canvas – to understate things.  It’s a continuation of a post I started on my personal blog, called Charting The Course To See Where I Fell Off The Map, which might be of interest to some of you.  For those of you who prefer not to wade through the muck in my mind, the short version follows.

I have been in an extremely severe mixed bipolar episode.  If you want to know any of the finer points of that, you  will have to read through the post It Was The Worst Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times.  There is no way to distill it here. Continue reading

I Am Not Entirely Who I Appear To Be

AlwaysI am also not ready to tell you the gory details of my whole story, not directly nor explicitly, but something is pressing me to do this.  And I can leave it up to all of you to read or not read and judge or not judge and form your own opinions.

I haven’t lied to all of you.  I haven’t pretended to be someone I am not.  I have, however, refrained from directing everyone to a crucial piece of my past and my history. Continue reading