For Your Weekend Enjoyment ~ A Brief Note From Ruby

RubyTo Our Dear Readers,

I know we have been a little shy on posts lately, for lots of reasons.  I can only speak to my own issues.  I have been fighting a depression — denying, refusing, admitting, and finally reaching out.  It has left me very short on words, even so far as being able to respond to comments and emails.  I thank all of you so very much for your patience.  Please know that I am so grateful for your words of support, and I will respond to all of the wonderful, kind things you have said to me here, on my personal blog, and also on my newest child, a somewhat under the radar “mental health past and present blog” (explanation on the last forthcoming in another post). Continue reading

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This Is My Brain On Pain

RubyAs you likely know if you read my posts here regularly, I am no longer taking any real mood-stabilizers for my bipolar disorder.  It isn’t an anti-medication stance, it’s actually just a place I ultimately came to through very little choice of my own (you can read a bit more about it here).

Now, being Bipolar I with psychotic features, unmedicated is a pretty daunting place to be, and I’m learning all the angles I need to cover.  Some I already knew and had accounted for: exercise, sleep, stress, and situations I knew were very high on the potential trigger list.  Others I knew, but didn’t really think about planning for, because they just didn’t come to mind when thinking of the day-to-day and what I needed to be vigilant about. Continue reading

Preparations

RubyI have to go see my psychiatrist today.

Which means I have to do some work, prepare myself like I haven’t in a long time, not since I ended things with my last doctor almost two years ago.

Back then it was pulling myself together, checking the anger and rage I felt towards him for the ECT thing, ending the relationship cordially, making my exit like a lady. Continue reading

Lines and Colours

SailorIn my mind, I am normal. This is because I live with me twenty-four seven (OK, not always twenty-four seven because some of those hours I am asleep).

I have BPD. In the past, I never realised that I feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do. I thought the intensity of my emotions was normal. Turns out, it’s not. I read somewhere that in non-BPD people an emotion typically fires for 12 seconds. In BPD’ers it can last up to 20 percent longer. BPD’ers emotions also repeatedly re-fire, or re-live, or recur, however you want to say it, so emotional reactions occur for even longer. I do. I go over and over and over the emotions, pinging from one to another like a steel ball in a pinball machine. Continue reading

When You Reach The End Of The Road

Ruby

It finally happened.  Officially, I mean.  I’ve reached the end of the line.  After six-and-a-half years of extremely intensive psychiatric treatment, the first fiveish with an incredibly bright, creative, thinking-outside-of-the-box younger doc; the last year-plus with a man long experienced in the mood disorder game (not to mention numerous consults along the way), it has been made manifest.

Continue reading

Craving a Different Energy

vivien This past Tuesday, a lovely woman named Sarah reached out to me over e-mail.  Sarah, like me, is a US ex-pat trying to find her way in Europe.  And, she has bipolar disorder.  One of the topics we spoke about was whether there was any longing on my part to actually feel again, without the emotional flatline bipolar meds cause.  I answered in the affirmative, answered a few more questions she asked and hit send.

Several hours after I left the computer for the day, I found I was still thinking about Sarah’s question. Continue reading

Once More Unto The Breach, Dear Friends, Once More. . .

Ruby

“I’ve Just Wakened Out Of A Nightmare”

Exactly one year ago today, I filed the above post on my personal blog, I Was Just Thinking. . .  It was remarkable for many reasons, but the major one was it detailed what had happened to me two days prior.

On March 3rd, 2012, I went to bed in the midst of what had been a severe, protracted mood episode.

On March 4th, 2012, I woke up and I was well. Continue reading

Intelligence and Mental Illness: A beautiful Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

SSG

Brilliant mind - depression meme

Scumbag Genetics meme


It has been said that a beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste. And yet, it would seem like every day I live is just one step closer to wasting this mind of mine. Continue reading