Lines and Colours

SailorIn my mind, I am normal. This is because I live with me twenty-four seven (OK, not always twenty-four seven because some of those hours I am asleep).

I have BPD. In the past, I never realised that I feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do. I thought the intensity of my emotions was normal. Turns out, it’s not. I read somewhere that in non-BPD people an emotion typically fires for 12 seconds. In BPD’ers it can last up to 20 percent longer. BPD’ers emotions also repeatedly re-fire, or re-live, or recur, however you want to say it, so emotional reactions occur for even longer. I do. I go over and over and over the emotions, pinging from one to another like a steel ball in a pinball machine. Continue reading

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Helping to Break Stigma

SailorWhen I received the job offer a few weeks ago I thought it over for a few days before excitedly accepting. My new manager arranged that she would send me some paperwork to fill out, and the next week we would meet so I could have a look around one of the branch practices I would be working in.

When I’d quit my previous job a few weeks ago I never expected to land on my feet. My parents were terrified that I had no long term prospects and I was just going to be a temp nurse. Continue reading

When I Realised What I Do is Good

SailorThere are some things you may already vaguely know about me.  My real name is Carrie and I have an alternate personality whom I call Charlotte (not to mention the poor guy, Jack, in the back ground who hardly gets a say in anything).  I live in the UK near London, by the sea.  I am almost 30 years old.  I suffer from depression, I have recently been diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation Disorder (the new name for BPD) and have lived with a host of psychiatric conditions since I was a child. 

I am also a Veterinary Nurse. Continue reading

Onwards & Upwards

SailorAs a person with more than her fair share of mental health problems, I find it really difficult to maintain relationships, mainly friendships (I don’t trust people enough for any other kind!).

I always put this down to perhaps I’m a horrible person. I seem to go through friends like nobodies business and always blame myself when the friendship falls apart.

Since my diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, whatever you want to call it), researching the illness and the way other sufferers perceive the world has helped me realise that I’m not entirely to blame and it is my point of view of things that is askew. Continue reading

I Am Not OK, But That Is OK

SailorI’ve been wondering recently (as always) why I am the way I am.

I’ve been trying to come up with an explanation.

It feels like I can’t help these ways.  I think the way I think because of all that I am, and all that has happened.  I feel like I use it as an excuse, but am I allowed to feel that way? Continue reading

Dissociative Identity Disorder, Splitting and Marmite

SailorWhen I joined Canvas I had just “come out” as having other personalities.  I’ve been researching them a lot, because I don’t understand why I do this, and research is helping me understand, so I would like to share, especially as there isn’t a lot of first hand experience out there.

I have two others who I consider different personalities to my own. One is called Charlotte, the other is Jack.  I also have the real me.  The real me who you might know as Sailor, but everyone in the “real world” knows as Carrie. Continue reading

While there’s life, there’s hope

SailorDum, dum de dum.

Where do I start?

Hello, my name is Hello Sailor, but you can call me Sailor.

I was shocked to be asked to join Canvas, but that doesn’t seem like a good starting point. Continue reading