You will not receive ODSP income support and other benefits now that your file is on hold.
Let me repeat that: You. will. not. receive. ODSP. income. support. […] now that your file is on hold.
That means I won’t have a way to pay rent in a week.
That means I won’t have money to buy groceries starting a week from now.
I haven’t the foggiest idea why. I haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m going to do if that cheque does not come in less than a week.
I’ve been on disability for three years now and I never had to file any kind of income report before.
Why now? I don’t remember getting any kind of notification on any changes in the way things work.
That is to say I’m fairly sure I never got any kind of notification but I can never been one hundred percent sure I didn’t. I make sure I read all the mail I get from ODSP. But ever since I had the TIA, some things do go through the fabric of my memory instead of sticking on it.
This is an fine example of how and why highly functioning [insert mental illness here] is so painful to live with; how disruptive, and frightening it is. In real life, people only see Compensated Me. However, since these days I rarely go out anymore, all people see is Virtual Me. My Avatar. And it is infinitely easier to project a compensated avatar.
People never see the me that doesn’t understand official forms. The me that gets overwhelmed to the point of panic attacks when it comes to dealing with red tape. The me that was never able to deal with the police regarding my verbally abusing neighbours, to give a specific, real life example.
People were very kind and caring and supportive, giving all kinds of great advice. It truly was the kind of useful advice. But it was all in this form: This is what you can do…
Which may work great for any other person. You follow the instructions and bingo! You get the wanted results.
Not so much for me.
Make phone calls? Major anxiety generator.
Fill out reports and give statements? Um… yeah, good luck with that.
A simple google search will give you myriads of articles on High Functioning Mental Illness. About 2,200,000 results (0.76 seconds) to be exact. Even one here on Canvas, so I won’t go into the details of it.
To be honest, I don’t even know if I qualify as High Functioning. After all, I am on disability for a reason. I can’t hold a job because of it.
But I am able to more or less feed myself (although some days I do go without eating because I can’t get my work to function enough to be able to cook). I am able -when I am compensated- to appear well groomed. You know, shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, get dressed.
Right now, it’s been a week since I took a shower.
But since it’s been way more than a week since I went out, nobody gets to see that. On social media networks, my avatar is always well groomed.
So here I stand. Panicking. Crying. Unable to see how I am going to fix this.
I’m sure I’ll find a way. I always do.
But at the moment, I do not feel the confidence that should come along with that knowledge
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