It comes out of nowhere

SSGSigh.

Here we are again.

Remember this: I’m NOT flaky?. Written almost a year ago.

Nothing has changed. But I found myself feeling the bite this week more than usual.

The reason, a series of non-related FB statuses. You know when the universe seems to be conspiring to point out something to you? Yeah, that.

Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Someone wanting to do something and asking who wants to join them, name tags and all. Pretty innocent, right? A happy status, by all means. Only that I am not being tagged even though it is an activity I am very well know for enjoying.

Happy statuses about road trip to Montreal the day before. Cool. It is always nice to see your friends are happy. Only that they went to do something I love, that I could have potentially join them but I never heard about it until after they were back already.

Bitter after taste.

I don’t blame them, Of course. There is no reason why they should include me in their plans. I have missed enough events after I’ve said I’d go. Why should they think this time would be any different?

Thing is, even if I wake up feeling good, there are no guarantees I’ll still feel good by the time the event is happening, This amazing cartoon from Sara Lomas Draws of Laments and Lullabies expresses it very well!

Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.... Bang-on cartoon by the talented SaraDraws from Laments and Lullabies

Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere…. Bang-on cartoon by the talented and beautiful SaraDraws.

After a while, it is so easy to just let myself fall into the wrong frame of mind. “Oh, what’s the point, I’ll just say no from the start”. “Let’s be realistic and just turn down the invitation right off the bat”

I am tired of saying I’m sorry after I didn’t show up. I am tired of feeling guilty for not going to X’s birthday party after I said I would. I am tired of having to come up with a good excuse for cancelling at the last minute.

So, again, I should just say from the start that I am not going. That should fix my life, right?

Wrong.

It hurts that I have to miss out. It hurts that people don’t think of me anymore when they are making the list of who should they invite to their next board game gathering, or tell about this fun thing they want to do.

It hurts.

And the more it hurts, the more I want to retreat. The more I isolate myself from the world.

Which only makes me miss out on more things, naturally.

It’s becomes a vicious circle. The more I don’t show up, the less I am invited, the worse I feel.

How does one explain this problem to one’s friends?

Hey, friend X, what happens is that I don’t want to go out but don’t want to stay at home either. I can’t manage to go out all the time but I don’t like it when I am not considered for the guest list. Comprende?

I mean, I can almost picture the person doing the invites. They get to my name and hover over it while they think: Should I click to invite her? Nah, she always says she’ll go but she never shows up. What’s the point? I’ll just skip her name.

All I know is that there are no guarantees. For anything. And that at the end of the day, I always wind up being alone, lonely and hurt.

Update: I am actually sending this from the hospital. As most of you know, I had to commit myself about two weeks ago because the risk of harming myself was too high. I may go home today or not. It will depend on today’s interview with my assigned doctor at the Mental Health unit.

© Summer Solstice Girl and A Canvas Of The Minds 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Summer Solstice Girl and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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32 thoughts on “It comes out of nowhere

  1. I hope you are first of all feeling better and not a harm to yourself. Second of all, if that is the case, then I hope you get released today or shortly.

    Take care. x

  2. I can totally relate – except for the FB part, since I don’t do FB. But I’m pretty socially isolated (in part because I don’t do FB) and even when I was more socially integrated, when I was having a hard time with depression, I would really struggle to follow through on promises to do social stuff. By the time the event arrived, I was exhausted or anxious or for whatever reason, I didn’t want to go. But I feel very strongly compelled to follow through on my word, so I’d usually go and I’d usually end up enjoying it.

    After being out of circulation for awhile, though, it’s hard to jump back in.

    • Thing is, I get paid to be on FB (and many other social networks) all day. I don’t mind it that much, really. I like that it allows me to keep in touch with my family in Colombia and my friends all over the globe. I love to see their babies growing up and share in their happy moments and life milestones. Like everything else in life, it has its downsides and its upsides.

      Sometimes I feel compelled to follow through and I do. And yes,when I do, I moslty end up having a somewhat good time. But there has been times when it was all I could do to not cry in front of everybody so I am not too eager to force myself to go anymore. Sigh. Hard to find the balance.

      • I so, so, SO relate to this. I have declined invitations/not shown up to the point where people do “leave me alone.” I do have one friend who shares the Depression Monster so she knows, and she will often invite me with the caveat, “If you don’t feel like going that’s OK, you know you’re always welcome,” which of course makes me cry. Sigh. Whatever happened to FUN?

        I’m so glad the danger has passed, and I’m sending you good juju that it should always be so, that somehow your Lone Ranger resources should show up at just the right time and give you the energetic OOMPH that you need to break the surface.

        And Oh, Sara’s cartoon is So Right On!

  3. I can so relate to this. I’ve become very socially isolated within the last ten or so years. I still have friends invite me to things, every great once in awhile, but usually it’s only when it is something major like a wedding or a baby shower. I often still don’t go. I have a really hard time around people, and I am pretty set in my routine of just hanging out with the boyfriend and immediate family. For the most part I am okay with that, but sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t do more. Ah well, maybe it’s something I’ll work on someday. Right now I have bigger fish to fry! I hope for the best decision for your release from the hospital…and that you are feeling better!

    • Thank you so much. That’s what’s happened to me as well, in the last ten years or so. I was discharged today so I am home now! And feeling a lot better too 🙂

  4. Oh, that Facebook….coincidentally my daughter, who is in college, just deactivated her FB account yesterday because it was so depressing for her to see everyone else’s “great” lives………I told her FB is not real, and there are so many ways it makes people feel bad. In your case, being left out. Wishing you all the best

    • Thanks you. I should say though, I do get a lot of great things out of FB. Not all is bad. I love to see my nephew growing up, hear about how well he’s doing at school, I can share pictures with all my family, I can see what my friends are doing all over the world. I do get a lot of good things from FB. It’s just that the bad things are… well, bad.
      As for the things my friends do, even if I didn’t have FB I’d still know of them because all of them are dancers, like me, and are in the teams with me. So, the FB example was what happened at that time but there are many other times when I’ve heard in person. They come -very excited, to tell me what they did last weekend and I am like, but… but.. I could have gone with you….

  5. You know, I struggled with this exact conundrum a lot. Then I just started saying that…”listen, I love the idea, and I want to go. You should know that I sometimes cancel last minute depending on the day I’m having. It’s not personal. Please keep inviting me though. I love hanging out with you”. Or something like that. It took a tonne of pressure off, and in fact, made it easier to actually DO stuff, since the pressure was half the problem, a big part of the trigger. I wasn’t sure about “coming out” in a way, but as it turns out, the bulk of my friends (like yours here) not only understood, but could relate.

    Totally rad.

    I know you’ll figure it out. And yeah, Facebook can be kind of toxic when things are not mentally awesome. Unless it’s Candy Crush. That stuff is pure gold. Candy Crush always loves us.

    Lots o’ love,
    S

    • HAHAHAHAHAHA

      Is Candy Crush really that good? Cause, I like, reached my games pick with Tetris and haven’t been able to find any other game that keeps me so engaged. On the other hand, I do have ADHD so…..

      I started to used the same approach as you a while back and it is mostly working. But! I am part Jewish, part Catholic so guilt is deeply ingrained in me

    • Sara – Just read your comment after posting my own below (I swear!). You’re a smart lady, which of course I already knew, and not just because we had extremely similar thoughts here. xo

  6. a lot of us struggle with this also. i think what saradraws (above) says is spot on. just let your friends know. and for me, FB was waaay too toxic and i had to deactivate it long ago. and, if you are feeling stronger, stabler, less self-harmful…your doc will see that and release you. so, just be honest about how you are feeling to him and he’ll make the right call for you. i always see being hospitalized (voluntary or not) as a good thing. its not a bad thing, its not weakness, it is not to be avoided, etc. being inpatient is a chance to really get to a better place (mentally) and to get a break from all the things that are overwhelming, stressing, triggering, etc. so, its a break from all the stuff that makes us feel unwell, and also a chance to focus on feeling better. dont worry about how long you stay or if you get out today. just be straight with the doc and do the work in the unit to focus on you being in a better place, and soon you and your doc will both feel you are ready to go home.

    • Kat,
      I think Sara’s drawing is perfectly suited for SSG’s post myself, not that I am biased, or anything…
      Le Clown

      • Heh! I couldn’t believe how perfect it was. I was in the middle of writing the post already and there it was. On Facebook of all things! So yeah, there’s a good side to FB after all.

    • Yes, very wise Sara is!

      And absolutely. I agree with you about being an inpatient. I was actually discharged today so I am home right now. My stay at the hospital was exactly what I needed. It allowed me to get strong again and I even learned a few things while in there.

  7. I can totally relate to this. I’ve lost many friends over the years because of it. It can be so disheartening, but the friends that stick around are the only ones I should care about anyways! Sending good vibes and wish you the best!

    • True. Very, very true!

      But I am always left with some guilt because who knows where those friendships will be were it not for my problem with socializing. Sigh. All I can do is my best, right?

  8. Well, as you know, I deactivated my fb account early in the summer and I don’t intend to reactivate it. It brought some very good people into my life more (like you!), but it also brought with it a lot of stress and nonsense and bullshit. I am so much happier and healthier now.

    As to the real point of this post, most of my friends live plane rides away in all directions, so this isn’t an issue for me as often as it used to be. And my three very best friends are 13, 10, and 5, so anything we do I plan. But generally speaking, the people I do see know me well enough and when plans are made the understanding is always there’s a chance I may cancel at the last moment. For me this is really a non-issue, though, because even before I dealt with moods I dealt with migraines, and even if my mood is such that I could attend an event, a friend could get a message an hour before I’m supposed to be somewhere that I’m in too much pain, I’ve taken so much medication I’m a hazard (and illegal) behind the wheel, etc.

    I guess for me it’s a combination of having the right people in my life and being much less social than I used to be, just by nature. But I’ve found that letting people know I really want to go and will do my best to, combined with always making a point of contacting someone specifically to let them know if I can’t be somewhere makes all the difference in the world for me — and apparently for my friends, too.

  9. Boy do I know that feeling, that the pleasures of life are just for other people not me….
    But mostly people are just trying to do the right thing, probably not to pressure you or stress you out. Sarah’s right. Tell them what works for you and they will probably do it.

    And glad your home.

  10. So happy to hear you are home. I liked what you wrote in the comments above, “My stay at the hospital was exactly what I needed. It allowed me to get strong again and I even learned a few things while in there.” Here’s to staying strong my friend!

    Regarding social media. I’m a social media hermit … WP is my only little hovel where I happily dwell, tucked quietly away in a world obsessed with more and more applications and popularity.
    As long as people are capable of seeing if it is good or bad (individually for them) it shouldn’t be a problem. Despite the incident in the post, it sounds good for you – so more power to ya’! Enjoy! 🙂

    • Thank you! Working on building the strength up 🙂

      I enjoy the various social networks. Unlike most people, I don’t feel overwhelmed by them. And yeah, I am very grateful for what FB provides for me and my family & friends.

    • Hey! Yes, I am home now. Really should write a follow up post but I don’t feel up to it just yet.

      Hope things are good on your side of the world. Sorry I haven’t visited your blog in such a long time.

      • It’s okay, just take care of yourself now, that’s more important than visiting my blog :).
        (But keep on giving signs that you’re alive please!) 😉

  11. Perfect words. Thank you for writing what I feel. I have no more to say simply because I’m in one of those moments right now… so it was perfect timing for me. Thanks ❤

  12. I think you are not a loser like me so enjoy your life. I used to be the life of the party up until recent times, now I am disapproving of people and feel as though I have lost my wit and much of my intelligence. I used to be able to converse (no matter how quick or long the conversation) with anyone. My confidence is now non-existent and I have no one to turn to. Such was and now is life…peace

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