Which means I have to do some work, prepare myself like I haven’t in a long time, not since I ended things with my last doctor almost two years ago.
Back then it was pulling myself together, checking the anger and rage I felt towards him for the ECT thing, ending the relationship cordially, making my exit like a lady.
My primary gave me a great strategy there. He told me, “You’re a great actress, act.”
(The fact that he could see behind the facade sometimes only undermined his words a little.)
And I went in, and I was Grace Kelly in every way: calm, patient, kind, understanding. . . graceful.
In the end, I was a lady, though I often wonder if that designation should ever be applied to me.
But, in the end, I left head high, knowing I had done the right thing.
Today will involve fewer “dramatics”, in every sense — well, perhaps almost every sense.
I have to get refills on three benzos in one visit.
It will be a neat trick indeed, if I can pull it off.
It’s a psychiatric trifecta: Klonopin, Xanax, and Valium, in ample quantities each.
My doctor is no longer watching me regularly. And he knows I have never been suicidal. Right now I’m not even depressed, or overly anxious, that feeling broke.
But I have a trip coming up, and for many reasons, for many people, I have to have in my possession all of the tools to seem downright docile in a pressure-cooker of a situation.
Which means that, despite how I may have appeared at the last of the real appointments — and I don’t deny I probably seemed a trifle. . . low. . .
At this appointment, I need to be together, I need to be convincing, I need to be winning, I need to be responsible, I need to look and act just exactly so, and most of all, I need to be strong, to show the good doctor he can trust me and he takes no risk with prescribing large quantities of heavy-hitters — all in 15 minutes or less.
Addendum: I won. Triple Crown. 😉
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