I hope you know the depth of my love.
The lengths I would go to for you.
The things I would do to protect you.
The things I would do to provide for you.
The way my heart aches at what the world could do.
I look at you sometimes.
Caught up in a story.
Sharing your view of the world.
Absorbing the wonders of nature.
Or far away dreaming in your bed.
I look and wish I could be better.
You say I am the best dad in the world.
But I am the only one you know.
Do you know that I could be a better dad.
Do you know that I wish I was.
When I come to my senses I can be there for you … home and present in the moment.
I can listen.
I can play.
I can plan and create.
I can hold you close and whisper in your ear.
But then I find myself out on the fences … home but far away.
I can’t listen … I send you away.
I am unable to play … for reasons you don’t understand.
I cancel plans and destroy moments … leaving you confused.
I keep you at a distance … for reasons I still don’t fully know.
Thank you my queen of hearts.
You are the finest thing God has laid on my table.
You bring me more joy than you will ever know.
You give unconditional love to this broken heart.
You provide fairy dust as a balm for my broken mind.
And I am sorry for those times.
For reasons you are too young to understand.
I get hurt by my feelings that I am not the best I could be.
I am numbed by my low self esteem and become worse than I am.
I imprison myself and although at home … at times I live alone.
But you would be so proud if you could see the hero your dad is.
He often fights his way through a Fire Swamp to get to you.
Each day he stumbles through the thickest fog to find you.
He defeats exhaustion and keeps atop an ocean to see and hear you.
The Enchanted Forests he lives in – with tricks and deception – can’t keep him long from your side.
And I hope one day you will know.
I really did do my best.
I fought as hard as I could to be with you.
I struggled against forces you couldn’t see.
I carried a weight no one should have to bear.
I love you little one.
And I will never stop fighting.
Because I know how you love me.
And even though it can rain for days.
You let me see the rainbow above.
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