I have all my needs covered. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have clothes.
I have the perfect job for me. One that has allowed me to avoid the hell that is fighting the disability board.
It allows me to work from home -on my PJs, mostly playing on social networks. If I’m too tired (not your normal tired but the chronic fatigue kind of tired), I can take a two hour nap in the middle of the day to recharge.
And when I do have to leave my place, I get to wear pretty vintage-inspired dresses to go teach people how to dance. I also get to play vintage Jazz music at many dances in my city and other cities as well. Sharing my music with others dancers and hear them say how much they enjoy my sets is always nice.
By teaching swing dancing and by deejaying at swing dances, I get to put smiles on a lot of people faces. You should see them, how happy they are when they are dancing.
And that makes me happy too.
I have two wonderful children. They are beautiful (aren’t all children beautiful in their parents’ eyes?), smart, talented and very accomplished. They have good hearts and are honest, hard-working young adults. They give back to the community and dream of leaving the world a better place than they were given.
I have dear friends. The ones that last a life-time. My only complain is that none of them are here with me. But their friendship isn’t any more real or strong because of that. Their love carry me through life.
I have a loving family too. Truly. The kind I couldn’t wait for it to be Sunday so I could go see. Or Christmas, or Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Or that cousin’s birthday. Even though we’re now a continent away, their love surrounds me every day.
I have two beautiful cats that bring continuous joy to my life. I live in the country of my dreams.
I’m smart, fit and fairly good looking.
I’m reasonably healthy too – chronic pain/chronic fatigue aside. By which I mean, yes, I am in pain all the time but I am not attached to an oxygen tank and I am not bed-ridden. I can walk, I can sing, I can see, I can hear (with some difficulty), I can dance.
I’m able to find joy in the little things. A bird singing. A chipmunk running around, looking for food. A pretty flower. Rain fall. A good meal. A conversation over Facebook with a long distance friend.
All those things make me smile.
Furthermore, I never stop being grateful for the things I have.
So, why is it then that sometimes I walk in such darkness? I feel such emptiness? I lose all hope? And the nightmares that won’t stop making this otherwise nice little world of mine, a very scary place at night, only make matters worse.
Yes, I lead a good life. Yes, I have everything I need.
And yet, I can’t help but hate this life.
That – my friends, of mental illness, the tragedy is.
© Summer Solstice Girl and A Canvas Of The Minds 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Summer Solstice Girl and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.