I could pretend and write here as though I am someone brave. I could write like I am a great conqueror of my own mind and offer you all of my solutions.
But right now … right here … why should I pretend? Lately, if I am tired of anything, I am tired of pretending!
I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to parent.
I don’t want to husband.
I don’t want to friend.
I’m not even sure if I want to me.
I just finished pretending to be interested as an employee moaned to me, talking in circles about genuinely trivial issues at work. I pretended to laugh with my pretentious friend last week as he looked in disgust at my overgrown lawn and asked if the mower was broken. I heard my kids talking to me this afternoon and pretended to listen … right now I do not remember anything of what they said about their day. And when I cannot pretend with my wife, I am sure she thinks the lack of feeling that comes at times from this empty shell is related to her beauty or my attraction to her.
I have so much to do at work before my holidays begin at the end of this week, but the days pass and I do almost nothing. If I can’t pull myself together over these holidays I will lose my job, my wife, any friends that remain, and any hope of a meaningful relationship with my kids.
Yes, depressed. And I accept that the last statement is an anxiety related exaggeration of what the actual outcome will be.
I am just tired of pretending. Really I am. It’s hard to move, to concentrate, to feel. It takes energy that I do not have. I want to tell people to just leave me alone for a few days (or weeks) so I can gather my serotonin again and get some sleep and tranquility in the process. But life doesn’t allow me that option, so I continue to pretend as best I can until it passes or I find a way out.
Now. About those others (at work and home) that depend on me to pull myself together …
Do they help me or harm me?
Do they do both?
Do they provide the cure and cause?
Or … should I just look in the mirror and be honest about the cause … and hope I am also looking at the cure.
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