So here I am, I’ve been back in the hospital for just under two weeks.
The BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), depression, insomnia and anxiety is extremely venemous. I can’t start to explain the turmoil I am going through. The constant death wishes, then the wanting to live moments. I am all over the place.
I was out of the hospital for two months after a 14 month long hospitalisation. (My first hospitalisation). This looks like it’s going to be a long fight and struggle. I’ve already been suffering with the major depression and anxiety for 14 months and throughout this process, it has been apparent that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I’m 27 years old now and a lot of stuff has come up in therapy that I never told anyone about. Like the self-harming since I was 13 years old. This has been going on for longer than I realise.
My moods are all over the place. One minute I just start crying, then I’m crazy angry and about to get up and throw chairs across the day room, then I’m calm. BPD is an extremely difficult condition to live with. I’m in hospital for a few reasons 1. I wasn’t functioning in the rehabilitation program. Wasn’t eating properly, going to work etc 2. To try and get me more stable on medications and 3. So that I am in a saf(er) environment where my life is pretty much protected.
Before I came back to the hospital, I was very close to taking a box of Imovane sleeping pills. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself with my own life, always flirting with self-harm and suicide. I self-harmed 3 times in the space of a week and a half. It had been 9 months since I self-harmed and now I was coming back to it.
I decided that I would take a large amount of sleeping pills, simply take them all, go to sleep and never wake up. That was my wish. Nothing gory or messy.
Upon arriving back to the hospital just under 2 weeks ago, I realised that a young woman who I was hospitalised with for several months, wasn’t here any more. I inquired about her. I was told that she was suffering with depression and had said that she’d been feeling better for a while so they released her from the hospital. On that very day she was released, she climbed to the top of her apartment building and jumped. She killed herself. She was 27 years old, married with 3 young kids. What a pity. I miss her.
I can’t end up being one of the statistics of successful suicide attempts. That’s why I decided upon myself that I will return to the hospital. It’s difficult to see my future, I feel so trapped in this. I don’t know if there is hope for me. I refuse to live on much longer than this.
I think on Sunday, I will be put on a third medication so I’ll need to be here at least another 2-3 weeks to see if I’m more stable on it. Trying to have patience as much as possible but it’s wearing thin.
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