Once upon a time I had a teetering, yet outwardly normal, life. My then-fiance decided to buy me a diamond, even though I insisted I did not want one because of the terrible karma diamonds carry, generally being the products of slavery. He insisted. And he demanded that I pick the stone myself.
So I launched into a whole epoch of diamond-related research. I learned about color, clarity, cut, and inclusions, commonly known as “flaws.”
Now you would expect that something called a “flaw” would decrease the value of the stone. But in reality, stones of a certain type, among the higher grades of stones, are more likely than not to contain an inclusion.
I fell in love with the idea of having a really fine stone that did contain an inclusion. This stone would be unique among all the stones in the world. It would be mine. And it would reflect my view of what a quality human being is: of a certain clarity, a certain brilliance, and flawed.
For a very long time, my bipolar flaw was my ace in the hole. It fueled my creativity, my ability to make something out of nothing, to take an idea and bring it from conception to birth at warp speed.
Yet unlike the diamond, my flaw has grown. It clouds my clarity. It scatters the light of my brilliance. Rather than being an asset, it has become a liability.
What will I make of this life that I have been given, this flawed diamond of a life? Certainly the Creator had a plan for me, has a plan for me.
36 years ago I attempted suicide. I was very nearly successful. But at the last moment, I was in the black tunnel, and the blinding bright white light said to me,
“You will go through the fire, and you will come out shining.”
And I was sent back, was resuscitated, and I am still here, wondering when the fire will end and the shining will begin.
© Laura P. Schulman, M.D., M.A. and A Canvas Of The Minds 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Laura P. Schulman, M.D., M.A. and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.