I Am Not Entirely Who I Appear To Be

AlwaysI am also not ready to tell you the gory details of my whole story, not directly nor explicitly, but something is pressing me to do this.  And I can leave it up to all of you to read or not read and judge or not judge and form your own opinions.

I haven’t lied to all of you.  I haven’t pretended to be someone I am not.  I have, however, refrained from directing everyone to a crucial piece of my past and my history.  I’ve had my reasons.

And if you have any kind of know how (even very limited) with WordPress, you’ve probably already run across this.  I know one of you has, and you’re helping me to make this choice right now.

I am still every bit the woman I wrote of in my personal page, Always.  I have perfected the ability to stand fixedly against and stare down any assailant, external or internal.  And my foundation has no cracks, and my degree of self-control is unmatched.

But I wasn’t that woman completely, at least for a brief episode of time.  Most every moment of most every day of my life now, I can look back on it as a blip.  As something that happened to me, not something that defines me.

However I would be lying outright to everyone, myself included, if I denied that I have moments still where it causes me to wobble some.  I don’t crack or lose control, but I do have to breathe a little more deeply.

“Who do we become without knowing where we started from?” ~ Dixie Chicks

I know.  I know without a doubt that the woman I am now is the woman I was two or six or fifteen or thirty-plus years ago.  I just want for all of you to have all of the relevant facts.

So ta-da, the blog I kept on WordPress before:  Shock And Awe

(I will have Ruby fix all my glitches, my current technological situation is not ideal.  I honestly think it bothers me more than anyone else.)

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4 thoughts on “I Am Not Entirely Who I Appear To Be

  1. I’ll try not to get to mushy here, but bravo, sweetie. I know better than anyone that this was huge for you, and I think you handled it well, and I think you handled it on your terms, and in your own way.

    I would kiss you if I could. You’ll have to put on The Princess Bride instead, and we can watch it together (it’s not a kissing book – not really). More or less.

  2. I’m glad you linked it. I’ve recently noticed that disclosure helps me. It’s like I’m running around screaming confessions. “I hate my family!” “I have the nagging impulse to jump in the car and drive until I hit ocean!” “I resent the crap out of my husband because he refuses to acknowledge that I have bipolar disorder!” And the best of all, “I wish my grandmother would just die already! She’s been wanting to die for 15 years now!”

    Yeah, whatever, I’m a horrible person. I’m done letting people define me. I’m done letting people manipulate me by using my fear of rejection to their advantage. Yeah, I care what people think. But it won’t change what I think about me anymore, ever.

    I can thank my mother for that. How can she possibly love anyone when she absolutely hates herself? It’s like when you pretend there’s something in your hand to make an animal do tricks. There is no love, and I refuse to perform anymore.

    There’s a special place in hell for mothers who really don’t love their kids.

    • I’m just glad it’s out there now, personally. It was a struggle to do, but the hardest part is over – convincing myself that I should.

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