So it seems that this is my latest trigger for panic. Being online. My initial thought was that I took on too much too quickly, but even just cruising news stories, which I used to love to do, makes me want to swallow high doses of Xanax.
Still I blame PTSD. Does it make sense in any way? Not especially. Does anything about PTSD make sense in any way? Not lately, not in my life.
I wonder if I’m just copping out by blaming anything different and psychosomatic on post-traumatic stress. But I know what everything else feels like, manic-depression in its myriad representations, various anxiety disorders, plain old every day stress. This is not the same, not by a long shot.
So I should go get therapy to help me through this, right? Therapy, pfft. Therapy never has worked for me. Talk therapy, Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy (IPSRT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). I have to do it on my own, that’s just how I’m wired.
I even have what is supposed to be a wonderful book on PTSD. I feel like it will burn my fingertips if I pick it up.
At least for the moment I’m not getting pushed off balance by this stuff. I don’t like it, but I’m not getting confused and flipping out and feeding into the reaction. I know wherefore it happens, so I don’t stress myself out making it worse. It’s just a nasty little trick for my mind and body to play, because of the therapeutic value I have found in blogging.
But when push comes to shove, I am learning how to shove back harder.
And I always have my journals. No sensory overload attached.
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