New place, new luck

Posted on 2013/04/15 by The Quiet Borderline

Hello everyone,

I wish that I could have posted earlier to speak with all you and keep updated…

But here I am.

After seven years of living abroad and three of those being very sick, I have returned to England to see how it goes here starting afresh again. I have been back for just over a week.

‘Change of place, change of luck’.

I moved abroad at the age of 21, alone, asides from already having my sister in the north of the country and I went to the centre due to it being the best place for new immigrants.

As I have spoken about previously, I woke up on 6th June 2010 and BANG, everything hit me and that was the beginning of my mental breakdown which went from anxiety to depression and then I was diagnosed with BPD too.

The truth was, I had problems for many years, pretty much during all of my childhood and adult years. My psychologist says even from birth. For example, I started self-harming when I was 13 years old but only at the age of 25 did this all come out (gradually). I was very much unaware of the problems and thought that it was a ‘normal’ thing to self-harm, abuse substances and get up to stupid things that threatened my health and life. Now I am 28 years old.

When I had the big breakdown, I had no knowledge or experience about mental health. But I got some advice from a new immigrant help line and they said that I should go to a psychologist and psychiatrist straight away. And that’s what I did.

From the get go, it all snowballed and snowballed the more I spoke and the worse I was feeling with worsening depression.

I managed to be in my own apartment for nearly a year whilst getting on medications and going to therapy twice a week but on February 17th 2011, enough was really enough and everything was way too much to take and I decided to be hospitalised. Once I got to the point of actively being suicidal, all I thought about is my family and that I need to do something about it.

As you can read from my previous posts here and on my blog, my treatment went from trying: Effexor, Prozac, Sertraline, Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Lithium, Valporal, Abilify, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Remeron and Trazodone.

* Takes breath *

Alongside trying the following Benzodiazepines for high anxiety: Clonex, Vaben, Xanax, Clonazepam, Brotizolam, Valium, Lorazepam, Stilnox.

And some sleeping pills such as
Imovane to try to deal with my insomnia.

Then I agreed to be in a clinical trial of Subutex (buprenorphine) at another hospital which I was involved in for a month. This is a medication which has been treating heroin addicts for a couple of decades or so to help them to quit and get clean. And is now being tested to see if it can treat major depression with specifically suicidal patients.

I did 11 ECTs (Electroconvulsive Therapy) which (for me) was a rather traumatic and unpleasant experience that I wish to forget.

During my hospitalisation, my therapist was taking a course in DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) and after she finished this course, we started the therapy together. We only did two sessions however.

During this time (from around January 2013), I unfortunately was feeling worse and worse as no medications were helping me, ECT didn’t, therapy wasn’t and I was once again (but more severely) feeling suicidal.

I knew that this hospital would be the death of me and that it was coming around very soon. I had it all planned out, letters written, method decided upon, everything. I was in an absolute wreck for a few months feeling worse and worse and very out of control being totally broken down.

And then in mid-March (a month ago), within a week, somehow my eyes opened up to what was going on with me and many things that were happening around me. I realised that I had honestly tried my best but that I needed to get out of the hospital.

I researched other options within the country I was living in but there wasn’t anything.

A few days after, I woke up one morning and that was it… I decided that I was leaving the hospital and the country. I wrote a request letter in order to be released from the hospital and sat with the head psychiatrist, my psychiatrist and my psychologist. They read the letter and didn’t really see it coming… But really, two years in a psychiatric hospital with no improvement and only on a downward spiral, I think that I ‘did my time’. Being hospitalised for that long is really not healthy for a lot of reasons. It’s affected me deeply.

They all responded that I can leave the hospital which, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting due to my situation. They knew that I was even more suicidal than ever and that I was totally a danger to myself etc, but they all agreed.

I spoke separately with my psychiatrist and psychologist and many other members of staff and they all said to me that it was the ‘best decision’ I had made. That I can’t continue to be there, that they haven’t managed to help me even though they tried and ALL said to me good luck and in no way am I making the wrong decision to leave the hospital.

The next day, I left.

I have many things to say concerning the hospital that I saw with my own eyes such as unfair treatment, abuse, very unkind acts towards patients which would without a doubt be illegal. They have a very twisted way of working which I could give examples of in a long list. But I won’t go there.

When I left the hospital, they gave me my discharge ‘letter’. They knew that I was moving back to England and disregarding even that, surely I need more information than this little form states. (Of course I am continuing treatment). Half of the page was my info such as name, date of birth, basics like that, then was my diagnoses codes (from the DSM), a list of the three medications I am on currently, then two lines of ‘details’ in which my psychiatrist stated that I am/have ‘resisting treatment and have gone against the advice of staying in the hospital’. BS! What absolute BS! Even she had stated to my face (THE NIGHT BEFORE!) that this long hospitalisation was no good for me and that she wants to see me outside of the hospital and they ALL said that this was the best decision. So, why she wrote that, I don’t know. I guess that’s in case I go through with my death plans and they want to cover themselves legally. Ridiculous. And I have no clue why she wrote the diagnosis code of me having bipolar! Excuse me?! Not even once in that two year hospitalisation did that diagnosis be said to me or even mentioned! I’m SO non-bipolar, it’s ridiculous. No idea whatsoever!

Sorry for the outburst there. I am truly hurt by what went on and am still struggling with nightmares and flashbacks from the hospitalisation. I could go on to talk about other things that I experienced personally and witnessed but it’s not healthy for me, neither is it healthy for any other human being to hear it.

I’m now on Trazodone (anti-depressant), Vaben (Benzo for anxiety) and Imovane (to help me sleep). But medications are pretty much out of the window. The Trazodone is pretty much my last option but I’m only on 200mg and that can go up to 600mg max so even though it’s not helping now, you never know, a higher dosage could help. But I’ve said that for the last three years with medications and I should probably quieten myself and stop the thoughts that ‘it could…’

I have now been back in England for a week and a half and am living with my dad and his wife. It’s a very mixed experience and is very difficult for both them and myself to deal with. Unfortunately they don’t know everything to the fullest extent and I am very unsure of how to do this. I think they’ll really freak out if they know everything that’s going on with me but on the other hand, I know that they need to know! Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can sort this out exactly in the most ‘easiest’ way? I hide things very well and people don’t know what’s going on inside.

And that’s pretty much it guys and girls. I so so so wish that I could report something positive by now, but honestly, I have hardly any will to live and I hate to say it but I truly believe that I will become another suicide statistic. I can’t go on for much longer suffering from minute to minute like this with no break.

I’m wishing you all well and I hope that we can all find a way out of these awful struggles in life. We deserve to live!

© The Quiet Borderline and A Canvas Of The Minds 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The Quiet Borderline and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The struggle

Posted on 2012/12/15 by The Quiet Borderline

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted in a long time and my last post was extremely positive. Unfortunately I have truly crashed since then.

I have treatment resistant depression, BPD, AvPD and OCD. Sometimes I wonder if they’ll add any more diagnoses to my list.

I’ve now been in a psychiatric hospital for over two years. I still think that I am waiting to wake up from a nightmare. I find myself in my blue metal framed bed staring at the ceiling, thinking ‘this can’t be’. Maybe I need to admit that this is the truth. That this is real and is what I have to face.

I tried dozens of psychiatric medications over the space of 2 1/2 years since my breakdown and that nearly ended horrifically with me deciding that I have simply had enough and was going to take the cowards way out.

The day after, I spoke with my psychiatrist. I’ve never been so serious in all my life and she saw it. I said ‘we have to do or change something before it’s too late’… She understood 100% what I meant and said that she’d get back to me.

An hour later, she came to my room and called me to have a meeting with herself, the head psychiatrist and the head of the ward. The head of the ward asked me how I was feeling and asked me to explain what was going on with me. I knew that I had to be fully honest and open otherwise I won’t get the help I need.

He asked me about suicidal thoughts and I was totally honest and told them what I had very nearly done the day before. They were in shock and said that they are very concerned for me. They said they’d discuss it between themselves and get back to me regarding their decision of how we can move forward to make a, hopefully, positive change.

An hour later, my psychiatrist came to my room and told me that they’d decided that I start ECT. I said that I agree and am fully prepared to do whatever I have to do in order to get better.

Now, a month later, I have done four ECTs and I hate to say that things are still not going too great. Unfortunately, I only had a seizure on the first time I had the ECT, but the other three attempts weren’t successful due to me not having a seizure. You need enough electricity in order to have a seizure (that’s what makes you feel better) but they still haven’t found the right level of electricity for me.

On the positive side of things, I felt the difference after the first treatment and felt less depressed and more calm. I hope that they will up the voltage so that it’ll be enough to do what it’s got to do.

I had a couple of very bad experiences with the ECT so far. Once, I stopped breathing completely but because the muscle relaxant was still in full force, I couldn’t shout out for help or move my body to sign that I need help. It was a truly horrible moment that I hope I will never have again. Hopeless and very scary.

Then another time, the level of anaesthetic was too low again and I felt and heard everything. Them unstrapping my legs from the bed, talking the cotton wool out of my mouth, them discussing my acne (!) and so on. Now they’ve upped the anaesthetic so that hopefully that won’t happen again.

I don’t mean to write this as a total sob story but unfortunately this is how things are for me right now. Crying daily with the nurses, my doctor and therapist saying that I’m ‘in hell’, terrible panic attacks lasting for hours and so on and so forth.

I’ll be starting DBT in a few weeks time with my therapist that I have been with in the hospital during my entire hospitalisation. It just so happens that she’s been taking a course in DBT whilst we’ve been doing therapy together and now she’s finished the course, she is ready to test it out on me! The hospital have agreed that I can do a 1 year DBT program with her and even if I leave the hospital before then, then I can come to the hospital once a week to do the DBT with her.

Trying to end on a more positive note, my doctors say that the ECT will help me. That they just need to get the levels right. I am set to do 12 ECTs and then do one a week and one a month as maintenance. I am coming off of all medications and the ECT will take place of them. They said its highly likely that I’ll need to come once a month on an outpatient basis to do the ECT. So that should be the depression taken care of.

The other positive is the DBT. My psychologist is sure that it’ll help me. And that will hopefully take care of the BPD side of things.

I know that I’ve just got to hold on and not give up. Most of the time I am thinking that I’ve had enough of suffering and have no more patience to carry on. But I have to carry on, if not for my own sake, then for the sake of my family and fellow patients here who love and care for me deeply.

I sincerely wish the best for all of us and pray for a speedy recovery for all of those that are suffering with mental illnesses. You are not alone. It is worth the fight. There is light at the end of the tunnel and we just need to keep fighting on and keep hope inside of us.

All the best x

Ps. I wanted to say that I am terribly sorry about the shooting in the school in Connecticut yesterday. How awful. May all of their souls have peace in the highest level of heaven.

© The Quiet Borderline and A Canvas Of The Minds 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The Quiet Borderline and A Canvas Of The Minds with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

There is hope

Posted on 2012/09/25 by The Quiet Borderline

I just wanted to say a few things about hope and the road to recovery.

All of your hard work and patience will pay off eventually. I’m not saying that it is easy but as long as you have at least in the back of your mind that you really want to get better, then you will.

There are days when you will think there is no hope, I am hopeless and helpless but ever so gradually you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like I say, it just takes time and determination.

Talking from my own experience, I see that time has been a healer for me too so it’s not just about quick fixes (unfortunately). At the beginning of my mental breakdown 2 1/2 years ago, I was naive enough to think that this would be something I’d battle a bit with for a few months, no hospitalisations needed and all the rest of it, but things snowballed and that’s exactly it – Things get worse before they get better.

Gradually, with the right mix of medications, therapy and self-help/motivation, you can make it. I really want to instil that point. It really is possible and it does happen.

I am at the point of taking a very active role in therapy and this has been a big turning point for me. Feeling better enough to be workable in therapy and starting to realise the things I have to work on.

Outside of therapy, I am constantly trying to work on myself. I read books about the road to recovery from depression and BPD, have a DBT workbook that I ordered from Amazon, and have also read a couple of self-help books which can and I think, should, be read more than once.

I’m not trying to paint just a pretty picture of this. I know that even I’m still going to have bad days, but gradually the good/OK days outnumber the bad days.

I’m starting to open my eyes from the depression more and more and see the world through clearer eyes. I’m starting to see that there is good in the world, it’s not all evil. There are good things to take from life, studies, being in a relationship, starting a family, friends, a career, leisure time and much more. Even just a 20 minute fast walk to get your heart pumping a bit and eating healthily to have a sense of wellbeing.

I know it’s not the same for everyone. Some people have worse things to deal with and overcome, but that’s what I’ve learned also is that each person is on their own journey and it is bad to compare yourself to others. I was told by my therapist that that is the first rule of therapy, not to compare yourself to others as each deals differently with their own issues.

You can do it. You really can. Just hold on (tight). You may slip and fall now and again or maybe even a lot but know that there will be better days ahead for you.

Feel good.

Back in hospital

Posted on 2012/06/29 by The Quiet Borderline

* Talk of self-harm and suicide *

So here I am, I’ve been back in the hospital for just under two weeks.

The BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), depression, insomnia and anxiety is extremely venemous. I can’t start to explain the turmoil I am going through. The constant death wishes, then the wanting to live moments. I am all over the place.

I was out of the hospital for two months after a 14 month long hospitalisation. (My first hospitalisation). This looks like it’s going to be a long fight and struggle. I’ve already been suffering with the major depression and anxiety for 14 months and throughout this process, it has been apparent that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I’m 27 years old now and a lot of stuff has come up in therapy that I never told anyone about. Like the self-harming since I was 13 years old. This has been going on for longer than I realise.

My moods are all over the place. One minute I just start crying, then I’m crazy angry and about to get up and throw chairs across the day room, then I’m calm. BPD is an extremely difficult condition to live with. I’m in hospital for a few reasons 1. I wasn’t functioning in the rehabilitation program. Wasn’t eating properly, going to work etc 2. To try and get me more stable on medications and 3. So that I am in a saf(er) environment where my life is pretty much protected.

Before I came back to the hospital, I was very close to taking a box of Imovane sleeping pills. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself with my own life, always flirting with self-harm and suicide. I self-harmed 3 times in the space of a week and a half. It had been 9 months since I self-harmed and now I was coming back to it.

I decided that I would take a large amount of sleeping pills, simply take them all, go to sleep and never wake up. That was my wish. Nothing gory or messy.

Upon arriving back to the hospital just under 2 weeks ago, I realised that a young woman who I was hospitalised with for several months, wasn’t here any more. I inquired about her. I was told that she was suffering with depression and had said that she’d been feeling better for a while so they released her from the hospital. On that very day she was released, she climbed to the top of her apartment building and jumped. She killed herself. She was 27 years old, married with 3 young kids. What a pity. I miss her.

I can’t end up being one of the statistics of successful suicide attempts. That’s why I decided upon myself that I will return to the hospital. It’s difficult to see my future, I feel so trapped in this. I don’t know if there is hope for me. I refuse to live on much longer than this.

I think on Sunday, I will be put on a third medication so I’ll need to be here at least another 2-3 weeks to see if I’m more stable on it. Trying to have patience as much as possible but it’s wearing thin.

Does anyone have the answer?

Posted on 2012/06/01 by The Quiet Borderline

I was messing around on Photoshop and made a little something. I did it quite a while ago but thought that I would share it here. I was wondering if anyone has the answer for me?