- An unreliable person. A procrastinator. A careless or lazy person. Dishonest and doesn’t keep to their word. They’ll tell you they’re going to do one thing, and never do it. They’ll tell you that they’ll meet you somewhere, and show up an hour late or don’t show up at all.
- Unreliable, characterized by not following through on agreed plans.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (OK, fine. What else is new). But all of a sudden, I’m noticing there are a lot of events happening that I only hear about after the fact or when they’re about to happen. I see the pictures on Facebook. Or I hear someone talking about it.
I first started to notice this last year but then I had had take a leave from the team due to an injury. Then I was recovering from a major abdominal surgery, so I figured it was normal. People knew about first about my injury and then about my surgery (that I had one but not why), so naturally they assumed I couldn’t go.
But then, when I started going to the studio again, I noticed people were sort of distant.
They all Most of them said it was nice to have me back and stuff. But it was like people had moved on on me.
Then I thought about the few friends I had outside dancing, same thing.
I think I know why: People simply got tired of inviting me to things I never showed up to despite me saying that I would.
Sadly, I did mean to go to all of those things. I was excited about the events.
However, I never know how I’m going to feel on any given day. I never know if I’m going to be tired. Or if I’ll be up to being around people.
Sometimes facing people is scary. Sometimes the mere thought of having to talk is overwhelming. Sometimes I can’t even contemplate having a shower and getting dressed. Some days, those simply tasks are insurmountable obstacles.
Some other times I am OK with being around people but the fatigue is such that I can’t get out of bed. On those days I am not even able to feed myself.
But I don’t know how to tell people these things.
How does one tell someone, “sure, I’ll go if I’m feeling well enough to go”. How do I say, “Oh, I really, really want to go to your tea party/clothing exchange party/whatever but the thing is I have fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome PLUS depression PLUS Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PLUS ADHD and I might wake up that day feeling lost in a foggy island, terrified of the whole world, unable to talk to people or I may be simply too tired to go. But thanks for the invitation”
I can’t bring myself to do that. I don’t feel like explaining everything that is wrong with me to a person that is just being nice to me by inviting me to a social activity.
Simple things like going to the movies, or a pool party or a BBQ. Those are things I enjoy doing. That’s why when they invite me, I say yes. Because in all honesty, I DO want to go. But then the day comes and most of the time I’m not up for doing it anymore.
It sucks, cause I know I wanted to go. But I don’t feel like going anymore. Not because I’m flaky. But because sometimes I just can’t face the world. And it sucks to be me on those days.
Yes, I am unreliable.
Yes, I don’t follow through on agreed plans.
But it is not because I’m careless or lazy. Or because I don’t like to keep to my word.
And the fact that I am not showing up to an event when I said I would, only adds to the anxiety. It makes me feel guilty and it makes me retreat even more into my den and stay away from the world. Because then I’ll have to apologize when I see those people. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to have to explain either. And the anxiety just keeps escalating so I stay home even more.
And I end up feeling lonely. Like last night.
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