If the truth be known, I am totally consumed by writing (FINALLY) my memoir. I have a lot to write about. I have not had a “regular” life. No, really, I haven’t.
Those of you who have been following my personal blog (shameless plug #1:) http://www.bipolarforlife.me will have been getting a fairly significant preview of coming, uh, attractions. The utterly delightfully wonderful Ruby Tuesday has given my new blog http://dinaleah.wordpress.com/ a plug in one of her new posts here on Canvas. (That was Shameless Plug #2.)
The experience of writing my life story, pushing through the trauma to get the words out, has been both gut-wrenching and liberating. Did I mention terrifying?
Yet, as I used to explain to my son when he was small, if you draw a picture of the monsters from your nightmares, they get trapped in the paper and can’t get out to scare you anymore. It worked for him, and it’s working for me.
I have a lot of fear surrounding the personal nature of it, and the fact that even though I’m using a pseudonym there’s always a chance that someone will recognize it and tell my childhood abuser, who is still alive. Then I would be subject to more abuse. What would I do? Would I stick around and take it? Would I run, as I have done all my life? Or would I stand up to her and say, this is my reality. This is your part in it. If you choose to accept it and deal with it, fine. If you choose to reject it, to throw it back on me as you always have, to point the finger and say “it’s your fault, you piece of sh*t” like you always have, then I’m out of here, but this time I’m walking, not running. I’m gone. Forever. Just like you say you want.
Whew, it looks like I’m making some progress here.
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